challenge

It’s been three months and tomorrow is scan day again.  Will the tumor growth have decreased even more, will it have increased again, will there be more tumors or less…?  My mind can play out a million scenarios and it often does, until I tell it (again) that all those thoughts are just stories, none of them perfectly true, none perfectly false.   Because we don’t know.  With every turn of this path there has been surprise, sometimes anguishing, sometimes exalting.  

I looked back to see that this is scan number 14 (I may have missed one or two but who’s counting?) and there is still no getting used to them.  I can guarantee that we’ll wake up tomorrow morning with aching holes in our guts, the ride to Rochester will be long and mostly silent.  The hours in between the scan and the results will be filled as best we can (he’ll eat lunch, I won’t be able to), but with faster heart rates and higher blood pressure.  The time between when the exam room door closes after the nurse admits us, and the long moments until the doctor knocks and opens the door again with news, will stretch on and on, and I’ll feel dizzy with what can only be something like PTSD.

So this weekend Andy and the girls did something hard and life affirming.  They raced the Dam Challenge!  We got so much rain that we had to call off the canoe portion but even with rain still coming down, Iris and Andy hopped their bikes and rode the 15 hilly miles.  On their return, they tagged off with Elsa who ran a wet and muddy three miles with her dad, right to the finish line.  Something about seeing them all use their strong bodies, seeing their smiles as they crossed those finish lines, knowing they can push themselves when they need too, gave me hope.  I never would have asked to build resiliency this way, but here it is.  And tomorrow we’ll hold that close as we travel again to Mayo, and it will steady us just a little.

Thanks to Nonnie and Janet who sent along these photos and cheered on the gang!